Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: so what do you do?

me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”

Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

“It was a different time.”

“It was this morning.”

“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

7: mom look I got my math test back!

me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!

7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?

me: …like I said, said proud…

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

felt cute might bury dad later idk

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?