Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *

*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?

3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.

Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

Steam Forums

Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.

Every. Single. Time.

😭🤣

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.

What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?

I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car

In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.