[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
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[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
(Musicians.)
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
The little toadstool has spoken.