[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
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How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
sensitive skin
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.