Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

i just found this in my phone

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.