Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

law suits: quality garments for lawyers

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?

Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.

[Top of the Eiffel Tower]

Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you

Them:

Me: get it? “I fell”

Them: *pushes me off* you fell

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”

Christmas Day

“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.