Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!

Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.

This seems like peak sibling energy

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

S O O N

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.

me: HOOAH!!!

sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.

[places wicker basket back in locker]

me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-