Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

BRO LMFAO

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

[on a first date]

Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]

Me: *sets straw down* Sorry

“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

CUTE JOKE ALERT!

the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.

CUTE JOKE OVER!

“You can hide but you can’t run,”

– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids