Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

when someone tells me love is in the air 😷

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

Tuesday

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

Happy Taco Tuesday

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.