Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
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Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
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My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?