Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
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My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.