Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍

No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…

They have an Elon Musk.

*uneasily answers phone

‘Guess who?’

David?

‘No’

John?

‘No’

Mike?

‘No’

Steve?

‘No, I made you very happy the other night’

Haagen Daz?

‘NO’

Pizza Hut?

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”