Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
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In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
so weird how every mom was born today
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Did…did a minotaur write this
