Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
You Might Also Like
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.