Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

Great Canadian literature.

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

Commonly confused phrases:

In the same boat = We’re going through this together

On the same page = We understand each other

In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right

me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-

excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros

me: i need tha-

excel: zeros are icky

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person

[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]

“Did you say single?”

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job