Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: when I was your age we had nine planets

6: what happened? We only have 8 now.

Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.

6: 😳

Hubby: um honey…

Me: what? It’s better than the truth!

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point

Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

Doctor: So what brings you in today?

Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means