Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
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I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…