Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
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Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I enjoy a good short stor
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.