Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

4: I didn’t know lizards were cold

6:

4:

6: BLIZZards

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck

Does it…does it take 3 days

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.