Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

Vader: I am your father!

Random kid: Really?

Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?

Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.