“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
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Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.