“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
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jesus christ confetti not now
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I’m awake but I object,
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush