Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

Icarus loved hot wings.

I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!

Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

ㅤ

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.

The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?