“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
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[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
The news is so predictable nowadays
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.