Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
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I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
this… may be the greatest story ever told
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind