Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
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Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?