Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew

nurse: what mountain dew

me: it was on the bathroom counter

nurse: omg

me: what

nurse: u drank my mountain dew

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.