Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!

*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

[canadians at you, canadianly]

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.

One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.

The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”