Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”

she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

[etched on my tombstone]

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.