Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.

What I said: please stop letting flies in.

What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.

It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

#FoundAtGrandmasHouse

Grandpa’s welcome sign

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.

interviewer: can you type fast?

me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words

Staying with my parents, part 6:

My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.

Me: WHAT? Nooo!

Her: Next time you should read the box.

Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you

Her: lol that was your first mistake

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register