Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”

Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.

“Have kids,” they said.

Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”

– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now

ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it