energy cannot be created nor destroyed
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My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
those birds must be on payroll
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers