energy cannot be created nor destroyed
You Might Also Like
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Guantanamo Bae
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
do u think theres a butter planet?
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok