energy cannot be created nor destroyed
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I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
10/10 no notes
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.