Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

Her: My computer is running so slow!

Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?

Her:

Me: Is it less than 500?

Her: Never mind.

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

Car salesmen: Good evening

Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND

Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

Husband of the year 😂

Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by