Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

Me: I’m in tears

Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?

Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!