Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
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Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon