Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
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Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.