Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
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why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.