Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it