Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
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Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:![]()
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
the #horror is real!
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Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
those birds must be on payroll
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Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
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The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.