Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
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Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.