Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
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How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.