Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

omg the susans have started to replicate please send he

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT

I like big buts.

I can not lie.

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!

(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.

[God making bears]

God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging

Angel: Aww

God: Hugs that will kill people

Angel: Wtf?!

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

edward fingerhands

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.