Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?

Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags

Cop: um we put them on

Me: Another good theory

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?