@stevevsninjas

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

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@7notyours

Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0

@DamiensGate

Twinkle twinkle line of coke, you’re the reason why I’m broke. 🙁

@Angibangie

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring

@jwoodham

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

@TheRealPiney

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

@mela_shea

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

@BakedBrotatoes

[Job Interview]

*okay, he can’t find out I’m a wolf*

*fixes tie*

*checks breath*

IS THAT A PICTURE OF YOUR BABY SHE LOOKS DELICIOUS

@HumanPog

one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk