Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.

[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

🫡

MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

Yup.

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.