Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt

ANGEL: all the time?

GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside

ANGEL: why?

GOD: you keep saying that word

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

God sends his most incorrect food & drink orders to his most conflict avoidant soldiers

Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company