Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.

Me:How do you pronounce that?

*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.

Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.

It feels very accusatory.

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”