Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.

My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife

The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.