Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
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It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Like sleeping!
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?