Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

Facebook marketplace is a different world

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

“You’re saying it’s all an act?

Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids