ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
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“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Basketball
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.