England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
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Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”