Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

[first date]

me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs

her: to meet your princess?

me: er yeah, whatever you say…

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes