Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

Basically.

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.

Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!

Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work

Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question