Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.

Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

genie: are you sure?

me: just do it

*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..

Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire

Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

get you someone as goofy as you.. is.

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.