Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.

“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby

Monday

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.

Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.

‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed

Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.