English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
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Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password