English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
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If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2