Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

[Starbucks Assassins Inc]

CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John

BARISTA: [writes] Jamie

C: Ok. Memorise it

B: [eyes shut] Janet

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.

I love twitter

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.

I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows