English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
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I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk