English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
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People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
The Assassin.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it