English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
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Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
They’re not wrong
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold