English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
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my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”