Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

choose your fighter

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.