Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

Lmao

Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”

It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.