Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

started wrapping my pills in cheese

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

It’s actually Dr. whatever

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans