English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
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Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
True freaking story!
