Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??

“Stop hitting me.”

-Rock bottom.

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

How to get ready for things :

1. Procrastinate for 5 hours

2. Panic 10 min before leaving

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

*cough*