Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

Ah to hear the music of the angles!

[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”

Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)

“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”

Him: “So hot”

Me: *resumes eating ice cream

ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY

When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we’re married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?

Best correction of the day, if not ever:

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by

Me: FOREHEAD KISSES

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one