Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.