Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

*Follows dreams

*Ends up at refrigerator.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”

Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.