Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

How my city treated us singles yesterday😮‍💨😩

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

Him: I like it when a girl growls at me

My stomach: *growls*

Him: not like that

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.