Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.

“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.

“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”

At least he biked 12 blocks?

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

I feel this so hard

The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

Me: *drowning*

My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!

Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry

Hubs:

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

*Infrastructure naming conference *

Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk

Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?

Crab:

Other animals :

Crab:

Other animals:

Crab :

Other animals :Okay we get it

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice