English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
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After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.