english majors be like furthermore
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Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Thursday Thought.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it