english majors be like furthermore
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HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Tapped in
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
His flabber was gasted 😂
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay