english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
You Might Also Like
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
#FunnyLife Insects
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
*watches the world burn*
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Creative Problem Solving
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*