Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months

me: i thought i got three wishes right now

genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

I think about this a lot

Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

#inspiration #foodforthought

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.